


Day by Day Without You

by jimboppa (caramiro)



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 16:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1655354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caramiro/pseuds/jimboppa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael has broken up with him, and Yuzuru tries to live day by day</p>
            </blockquote>





	Day by Day Without You

  
_Like the tides my heart is broken_  
_Like the wind my heart is shaking_  
_Like the smoke my love faded away_  
_It never erases like a tattoo_  
_I sigh deeply and the ground shakes_  
_My heart is full of dust (say goodbye)_  
\- Haru Haru, Big Bang

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s been months since Michael ended their relationship. It was just so sudden. Maybe there was a problem he didn’t realize was happening. He walks along the busy streets of one of the oldest cities in the country, each corner of reminding him of his former relationship. It doesn’t help that this was one of the places where they had some of their first dates.  
  
He passes the place where Michael likes buying fishball from, and he remembers how baffled he was at first since they were called fishballs despite not looking like balls. Yuzuru hears himself chuckle at his former ignorance of streetfood back then. He purchases a few fishball sticks from the vendor, dipping it in the sweet sauce that has become his favorite everytime he’d get some. He wasn’t really a fan of deep-fried street food, but fishball has always been special to him. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that it was Michael who introduced it to him. Yuzuru sighs as he walks away, trying to enjoy his snack without associating it with a bitter memory.  
  
A laugh echoes from somewhere. Is his mind playing tricks on him again? Cursing, he purposely walks away from the sound. He doesn’t want to be near any signs of happiness right now. He loathes how the old city can still remain so romantic despite being rundown and neglected by the local government. Yuzuru passes the main office of one of the oldest newspapers in this country. He doesn’t remember much, but he knows that it’s at least a century old, and that Jinseo works there. He shakes his head as he walks along, trying to avoid the rush of students from the nearby schools.  
  
He suddenly finds himself at the church they toured during their first official date. He remembers Michael’s hushed whispers as he talks about how this was the oldest stone-built church in the country. He can still feel the warmth of Michael’s hands as they walked to the altar together, almost as though they were getting married. Yuzuru chuckles at the thought. It would have been nice to get married in this church. He steps into the church, as he sees that nothing’s changed since he first set foot in here. He hears a few voices talking, and he almost leaves if not for the surprised gasp he hears.  
  
Yuzuru turns around to see some people standing at the back of the church. It’s Michael and Julian, with Nam, Jinseo, and Misha hanging back. Michael’s hair is shorter and his cheeks are a lot thinner than when they last saw each other, and he looks like he hasn’t slept in days. Yuzuru wants to take Michael in his arms and ask what’s wrong, but then it seems Julian has already done that for him.  
  
“You move on fast,” Yuzuru practically spits out once the others arrive. He can’t bear to look at Michael being happy in someone else’s arms, so he opts to look at the crucifix which was once a witness to happier memories.  
  
“Yuzuru…” Michael whispers.  
  
“We better go, Michael,” Julian says as they turn back. He sees Michael nod and allow himself to be led away by Julian. Yuzuru’s hands clench and unclench, his fingernails digging into the palm of his hand. How can Michael just leave without any sense of guilt? Or any shame? What did Julian have that he didn’t? Fine. Maybe he doesn’t care about any of these questions. Michael has his reasons. There’s just one thing he has to know…  
  
“How long has this been going on, Michael?”  
  
“Quite a while now, even before Michael officially dumped you,” Julian said, smirking at Yuzuru.  
  
“I was talking to Michael, not you.”  
  
As Julian whispers in Michael’s ear, Yuzuru sees red. He wants nothing more to wipe that smirk off Julian’s face, preferably with his fists. He shoves past the protective barrier Jinseo, Misha, and Nam have suddenly formed in front of him and makes his way straight to Julian.  
  
Yuzuru watches Michael run for a car he remembers to be Julian’s as he tries to fight off Nam and Misha who are clinging to him like there was no tomorrow.  
  
“We’re in the house of the Lord, Hanyu,” Julian says as he walks out of the church. “Let’s not disrespect him.”  
  
“Disrespect my ass, Yee… You’re a fine one to talk about respect.”  
  
Yuzuru sees red as he follows Julian to the church’s gardens, with Jinseo, Nam, and Misha exchanging cautious glances as they try to catch up.  
  
“You know, Michael talks about you… and how these gardens are special to you guys. Since you couldn’t kiss inside the church, you decided to have your first kiss here instead,” Julian says.  
  
“Shut up before you regret it, Julian,” he says, his hands balling into fists.  
  
“You were probably a bad kisser…” He hears Julian snort at that comment.  
  
Yuzuru loses all sense of propriety as he decides to land a punch right in Julian’s lips. It won’t remove the smirk off his face, but at least it’ll hurt when he does. He feels rather than sees the response to that in the form of a nice black eye. He can’t remember what happened next, but he sees blood, and he’s uncertain whose blood it is. He also remembers calling Julian all sorts of things he wouldn’t say in public; and even his rational mind wouldn’t approve of him saying these things. Yuzuru even recalls scratching Misha, Jinseo, or Nam as they tried pulling him away from Julian.  
  
He has no idea how they finally separated Julian and him. He barely has a clue how he managed to arrive in Jinseo’s house without giving anyone major injuries, as he sits on a kitchen chair, with Nam nursing his wounds while Jinseo explains what happened to his parents.  
  
“I still don’t get WHY you had to attack him like that, Yuzuru,” Nam says as he applies medicine to the wound near his eye.  
  
“Michael cheated on me with him, god damn it!” Yuzuru shouted, kicking Nam in the shins.  
  
“Shit!” Nam curses as he accidentally spills some of the medicine. “Watch it, Hanyu! Do you want me to spill this in your eye?”  
  
Yuzuru’s face goes sour as he sighs. “Maybe that’ll be better. Pour the damn thing in my eye and maybe I’ll die faster.”  
  
“Do you know what you’re saying?” Misha asks as he comes in with a fresh set of clothes. “You two may have broken up, but he wouldn’t want you to do this. Part of him still cares about you.”  
  
“How do you know?” Yuzuru snaps, kicking Nam again. “He’s happy with Julian. He doesn’t give a fuck about me.”  
  
“Stop kicking me, god damn it, Hanyu,” Nam says, rolling his eyes. “Look. He’s moved on… Maybe you should too?”  
  
Yuzuru screams at the insensitivity of his friends. “Easy for you to say, Nguyen.”  
  
  
  
  
Maybe it’s time he cleans out his room by purging it of every single memory of Michael he has. He starts with the Polaroids stuck on the corkboard by the bed. He smiles as he looks at how these pictures go way back to when they first met at the student exchange council in their freshman year. Yuzuru chuckles at how silly they were back then, from freshman year, up to the seniors’ send off party, where they finally confessed their feelings for each other underneath the fireworks. He almost wants to keep some photos, but he decides to throw them all in the big blue box his sister prepared for him.  
  
It doesn’t help that almost everything in his room has some sort of memory associated with Michael. The Winnie the Pooh keychain hanging on his desk was a gift from him during the Christmas party during their freshman year; while the blue rose drying on his bookshelf was given to him when they confessed to each other right before college graduation. He sees a few other things—medicine books, manga, tickets to a city tour around one of the country’s oldest cities, and a signed ONE OK ROCK CD—and he loathes to throw these away. He decides to throw everything away, except the CD, which was a gift to him from Michael for his last birthday.  
  
Maybe he should have called Nam or Misha to help him with this. He’s done cleaning his room of everything, but for some reason the scent of Michael’s favorite cologne still remains. He sighs as he tries to spray his room with air freshener. He gives up as the scent of the air freshener begins to choke him.  
  
“Damn my asthma,” he curses as he moves his laptop to the living room.  
  
He opens his files to see almost seven years’ worth of memories stored in there. His wallpaper was a photo of them taken during their trip to Korea to celebrate Michael’s graduation for medicine school. They were at Namsan Tower, and they had just finished attaching a lock to the gate, when Michael just randomly jumped on his back and took the picture. He can still hear Michael’s laughter at the back of his mind whenever he looks at that photo. He sighs as he loses all will to delete that photo, or to stare at it any further. He bangs his hands on the keyboard as he returns to his room.  
  
He resists the urge to trash his room as he sees the span of his relationship with Michael play in his mind. Every word, every hug, and every kiss still feels like he’s reliving everything all over again. Is this what death feels like? He sighs as he throws himself on his bed, willing himself to actually cry again, despite feeling like he has no tears left.  
  
  
  
  
Yuzuru has no idea what time it is, but he sees Misha and Jinseo standing outside his room, whispering in hushed voices. He doesn’t care what they talking about, but he sees Misha holding Jinseo back from doing something.  
  
“Hey,” Yuzuru says, catching their attention. Both Jinseo and Misha snap out of whatever it is their talking about and wave to him.  
  
“We were just wondering if you wanted to hang out,” Jinseo says, shrugging. “It’s been a while since you went out.”  
  
Yuzuru sighs. Jinseo’s right. He hasn’t gone anywhere beyond his job and his house. He’s been living on his own for a while, so he hasn’t seen anyone save for some office mates he doesn’t really care about. He’s not in the mood to go out, given that he might run into Michael. He shouldn’t let a breakup affect the way he lives the rest of his life.  
  
“Fine, Jinseo,” Yuzuru says as he gets up from his bed. “Give me five minutes, and can we take that blue box?” He points to the box where all his memories of Michael are.  
  
“Oh,” Jinseo says with raised eyebrows as he and Misha go through the box’s contents. “Oh…”  
  
“What?” Yuzuru snaps as he finally finishes making himself presentable.  
  
“Nothing!” Jinseo says as he picks up the box. “Just wondering where we’re taking this.”  
  
“Dump it down the lake, or somewhere… I don’t care,” Yuzuru says as he follows them to Misha’s car.  
  
  
  
  
They end up meeting Nam as they decide to walk to the Korean restaurant Jinseo likes so much. Yuzuru’s not sure if Jinseo enjoys eating there because of the food or because of the fact the officemate he has a crush on eats there with her friends. Just as they’re about to order, the door opens. Yuzuru freezes as he sees Julian and Michael walk in. He feels his blood boil and the sight of Julian’s arm around Michael.  
  
" _Ignore them. Ignore them._ " He tells himself. " _You are here to have dinner with Nam, Misha, and Jinseo. And probably tease Jinseo about his officemate. You will not let them ruin your night._ "  
  
Yuzuru feels the blood ringing in his ears as Julian looks their way and pulls Michael closer to him. Yuzuru gives up all pretense of civility as he gets up from his seat. Nam and Jinseo automatically stand up and hold him back.  
  
“We’re in a restaurant, Yuzuru,” Nam whispers. “Don’t make a scene.”  
  
Yuzuru shakes off Nam’s arm as he sits back down, letting his temper seethe for the rest of the meal. He can’t even enjoy his kimchi jjigae properly, as all he sees are Julian and Michael acting like a couple in love right in front of him.  
  
“Don’t they have any sense of common decency?” he grumbles as he bites into his fried chicken with more gusto than necessary.  
  
“Yuzuru…” Misha says, as though in warning. Yuzuru knows that tone all too well, despite Misha rarely using it. He’s about to do something stupid and this is Misha’s last-ditch attempt to stop him.  
  
He watches Michael and Julian enjoying their dinner. He finds it sickening that Julian feeds Michael the way they used to, but they never did it in public. Although Julian seems to be enjoying himself, Michael’s eyes look blank, and his cheeks are even thinner than ever. What was Julian doing to him?  
  
Yuzuru gives up as he pays his share of the bill and walks out of the restaurant, stopping by to kick the table Michael and Julian are occupying. He gives them both one last glare before he exits. He’s got so much to say, but he has no idea how he’s going to say it without reducing himself to an incoherent mess in front of Michael.  
  
Yuzuru gives up trying to function like a normal human being as he walks around the streets. Everywhere he goes, memories of Michael haunt him. He’s given up apologizing to people he bumps into as he just lets his feet take him wherever. He wonders if he’ll ever manage to function properly again.  
  
  
  
  
It’s Yuzuru’s first day back after his forced vacation leave. He’s thankful for a lot of work to be done, as it takes his mind off things. He heaves a sigh of relief as he realizes that he’s finished all his deliverables for the day. He hears his phone ring. He sees Nam’s name on the caller ID. Nam hardly ever calls. He prefers sending messages over LINE or KakaoTalk. For him to use “the lowly call button” means it’s a serious emergency.  
  
_“Yuzuru…”_ he hears Nam’s voice, choking between sobs. Yuzuru’s eyes grow wide. Nam hardly cries either.  
  
“Shit. Nam. What happened?” he asks, practically shouting the receiver. “Are you ok? Where are you?”  
  
_“It’s Michael. He’s… He’s dying.”_  
  
Yuzuru almost drops his phone at this. “What the fuck do you mean he’s dying, Nguyen? What kind of a joke is this?”  
  
_“Shut up and stop asking the wrong questions. Come to the fucking hospital now if you want to see him before they kill him once and for all. I’ll text you the hospital and room number, just get your god damned ass here now!”_  
  
Before he can ask anything else, Nam puts the phone down. How could Michael be dying? He was perfectly fine when they saw each other weeks ago. No… wait… The shorter hair, the thinning cheeks, the dead-looking eyes… HOLY FUCK. WHY DIDN’T HE REALIZE IT SOONER? If he had known… maybe they could have had more time…  
  
The hospital was 20 minutes away from his office, and he feels the tears in his eyes as he hails the first cab he sees. He pushes away the women entering the cab, as he enters it. He begs the driver to go faster, hoping his story of losing the love of his life would appeal to the old man’s inner romantic (if it existed).  
  
He rushes into the floor Nam texted him, only to see Julian, Misha, Nam, and Jinseo waiting outside the operating room.  
  
“He’s in there,” Misha says, pointing to the operating room behind them.  
  
Yuzuru holds onto the wall next to him as he catches his breath. He attempts to walk toward the room, but Julian grabs his wrist.  
  
“I’m not in the mood to deal with your bullshit right now, Julian,” Yuzuru says through gritted teeth.  
  
“I’m sorry for everything I’ve said and done to you, including pretending to steal your boyfriend and punching you in the face.” Julian says. “He didn’t want you to remember him like this… weak and dying. He’d rather that you hated him and remember him as someone full of life and love, just as you first met him.  
  
Michael loves you so much. It’s always going to be you, Yuzuru. Remember that.”  
  
Julian’s face remains impassive as he fishes for something out of his pockets. He forces Yuzuru’s clenched fist open, and puts the item from his pocket in there. It’s the silver promise ring he gave Michael when they first started dating.  
  
“I can’t afford an engagement ring since I’m still a poor, struggling med student, this will have to do,” Michael had said as he slipped a silver band on Yuzuru’s ring finger. Yuzuru remembers laughing and promising to keep this ring forever, even when the real thing comes someday.  
  
“He’s sorry he never gave you a proper engagement ring,” Jinseo says from his seat. “So he wants you to have this.”  
  
Jinseo pulls out a tiny box from his pocket. Yuzuru recognizes this as the box Michael’s mother once owned and passed on to him when he graduated from medicine school. It’s the last remaining thing of Michael’s father that they have to remember him by, and for Yuzuru to have it was just too much for him to take.  
  
He looks at the ring in his hand as he rushes toward the operating room, not caring if the door is locked or not. He bangs his fist against the door, wondering if Michael can hear him. All the memories he’s had with Michael suddenly come flooding in, and he wonders if Michael’s experiencing the same thing from behind the door. He remembers the way Michael smiled, the way he laughed, and even the way their hands would fit perfectly. He also remembers that camera Michael always had with him, and he wonders if Michael’s memories come in photographs, or if they’re playing like a film like they do in his head.  
  
Yuzuru finds himself breaking down as he falls into Nam’s and Misha’s arms. He can see they’re hurting too, but he knows they’re taking this better than he is. The door suddenly opens, and the doctors wheel out the body. Yuzuru stands up as he walks over to a shell of what Michael once was. It’s nothing like the Michael he knew and loved. That Michael was a splash of so many colors in what would have been a dull life, and this empty, seemingly sleeping corpse does Michaels’ memory no justice at all.  
  
He wonders how he’s going to live without Michael day by day from now on. He knows he’ll eventually get by, but he wonders if he’ll ever be capable of love and happiness again.

  
  
  
  
  
  
_Don’t look back and leave_

_Don’t find me again and just live on_

_Because I have no regrets from loving you, so only take the good memories_

_I can bear it in some way I can stand it in some way_

_You should be happy if you are like this_

_Day by day it fades away_

  
  
  
  
  


-30-  
  
---  
  
**Author's Note:**

> \- this fic has been a long time coming. this wasn’t supposed to be written this week, but given circumstances, i felt like i just had to  
> \- crossposted to [livejournal](http://pseudoreports.livejournal.com/11488.html) and mizurumonday  
> \- inspired by big bang’s [haru haru](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Pbm2hK_Olk) mv  
> \- thanks to bruno for the beta  
> \- dedicated to my fandom in general


End file.
